Small victory – dining room table

I conquered it! It only took three days but I was able to completely clean off our dining room table. I didn’t just move the piles elsewhere. I sorted, put things away in their permanent homes, scanned paperwork, paid bills, and basically processed every single item that had accumulated over the summer. I am so proud of myself.

Next up… this small corner where paperwork tends to multiply.

One small step at a time and I will conquer the chaos.

Coming back to life

My daughter returned to school last Thursday. Not so coincidentally, I suddenly started coming back to life. Full time parenting drains me; I really have no idea how parents of littles can handle it. Having almost six and a half hours to myself every weekday is such a blessing and so very needed.

My motivation and energy levels are still minimal. But I feel like I’m coming back up for air. The difference is startling and makes me painfully aware that I have some emotional work to do. I shouldn’t (there’s that word my therapist doesn’t like – shouldn’t) lose all emotional energy and drive when my daughter is on school holidays. I put everything into parenting her and leave nothing for myself. To have that time during school hours to recharge, to spend time doing things outside of parenting, is vital to my well-being. Hopefully someday I can figure out how to survive both during school and during holidays.

Last week I started working through the backlog of my email. I finished on Sunday. I’m happy that I was able to unsubscribe from a few more newsletters, respond to personal email, and delete everything that I really didn’t need. My inbox is now at zero emails and I’m hoping to stay on top of it.

I also finally scanned all of the photos my daughter brought home with her from Taiwan. She has photos of age four or so through the end of her time at the orphanage. My goal is to create and print a photo album for her, merging together her time in Taiwan and her time with our family. I would love to give it to her for Christmas, but I also know how unlikely that is. I would love to be able to complete it that quickly, but it’s hard to predict how much effort I can make from day to day.

I’m also putting a priority on decluttering a couple key areas of the house. Over the summer, the dining room table turned into a complete disaster. That surface has almost been reclaimed. Maybe tomorrow? My clothes closet has also gotten extremely messy and it’s difficult to find things in there. Getting some of these things done will hopefully reduce the anxiety caused by clutter, which will in turn allow me to focus on some of my healing.

I want to find healing. I am slowly gaining determination to find healing. I still struggle with anxiety and sometimes with depression. I still have PTSD. I am discovering some buried and some not-so-buried religious trauma due to negative religious foundations. I really, really want to find some confidence and self-worth. I want to let go of my need for control and my perfectionism fixation.

Life can be more than survival. I need it to be more than survival. One small step at a time, right?

Thoughts and dreams

Today I met with a couple of dear friends over coffee and we had a thought provoking discussion. The nice thing about being an introvert is that when you get together with someone who is open to deep discussions, you can skip a lot of the small talk and dive into thought provoking topics.

One of my friends asked me what my dreams are. Over the last two years or so, I’ve completely stopped planning for the future. Our adoption and parenting journey has been so rocky that the future is unpredictable. I could make plans at this point but it is highly unlikely that they would come to fruition. There’s just too much trauma and the effects of trauma in our home.

In addition to a lack of planning for the future, I’ve forgotten how to dream. Because I feel so out of control in regards to the day to day, I don’t know how (and lack the emotional energy) to dream about the future. We have to parent based on our daughter’s current emotional status and that leaves little room for planning.

But maybe I should start dreaming again. Maybe that will provide some hope in the day to day. I worry that dreaming again will frustrate me if I feel like the dreams are completely out of reach. But maybe they will be motivational to make some changes and encourage me to control the things I can control.

I’m not sure if anyone is reading my blog anymore but I want to start posting again. Maybe sending my thoughts out into the world will help me connect with others. As my friend Julie says, we need to be willing to ask. So here goes – I need bosom friends. Maybe my words will touch someone and we’ll share our thoughts about life. If not, at least I started reaching out again. That is encouraging.

Nutberg Drinkable Meals – a review

Normally I am only requested to review books but Nutberg reached out to me and asked if I would be interested in reviewing their drinkable meals. Yes, please! I browsed their website and was thrilled to discover that Nutberg has created a drinkable meal that is all natural ingredients, healthy, and vegan. Vegan! It’s so hard to find convenient meal options that are vegan.

When I opened the package and showed my husband what I had received, he immediately commented that these look like MRE’s. The presentation could be more pleasantly designed but the information and instructions printed on the package were incredibly easy to understand and follow.

I decided to try these flavors in order of expected enjoyment – highest to lowest. We started with Cocoa, then Classic, then Banana. The directions stated that I could blend each packet with either water or milk. I chose almond milk because I always use almond milk in my mochas. Almond milk adds more flavor and substance to drinks than plain water does.

Cocoa flavor

I expected that we would like Cocoa flavor the best because chocolate is always best! Unfortunately, I couldn’t really taste the cocoa flavor.

Jeff – “Yuck. It needs a sweetener.”
Me – “It has an ok taste but the texture is too grainy. I could drink maybe half of this with my meal but not as a full meal replacement.”

We were unable to drink the entire serving.

Classic flavor

Jeff – “It smells sweeter than the Cocoa flavor. The smell reminds me of cinnamon oatmeal. Of the three, this one was my favorite.”

Cassandra – “Classic flavor is also my favorite of the three, even though it seemed like I was drinking my morning oatmeal!”

We drank an entire serving. The flavor was fine but the texture was off-putting after half a cup. We drank it at 10:20 in the morning and waited to see how long it would satisfy, especially since the meal was 560 calories with the added almond milk. After three hours, we started getting hungry for our next meal. I was surprised at how full I felt for the first two hours, very satiated but not overly full. The Nutberg website stated that you would feel full for 2-3 hours and my experience slightly exceeded their promises!

Banana flavor

My husband hates bananas so I didn’t tell him what flavor this was until after he had tried it. I didn’t want to bias him against the drink. Surprisingly, he couldn’t tell that this was banana flavored!

Jeff – “It’s palatable but doesn’t taste much different from Classic flavor.” When I told him this was Banana, he said that he could detect a hint of something different but didn’t think “banana.”

Me – “I agree with Jeff’s opinion but thought maybe I could detect a hint of banana.”

Overall, this was not a huge success with our family. The Classic flavor was ok but it’s not something that I would want to drink on a regular basis. I could see keeping a couple packets in my cupboard in case of a food emergency. I think these are worth trying at least once, especially if you’re looking for a meal replacement.

Thank you so much for Nutberg giving me a free product to try in exchange for an honest review!

Deadly Proof – A book review


Deadly Proof
Rachel Dylan

As far as modern Christian fiction is concerned, this is one of the better novels I’ve read. Kate is a fairly realistic character, a woman lawyer who struggles with depression. She obsesses over her career, immersing herself in her work for long days to cope with the emotions that rise when she has downtime. Kate genuinely cares about her clients and works hard to ensure they receive the justice they deserve.

I did struggle with Kate’s attitude toward her clients. It came across as if Kate would only accept clients who she believed were genuinely innocent of any wrongdoing. I don’t know enough about the law industry to know if it’s possible for lawyers to only accept certain clients, especially when they work in a firm and have other lawyers above them in the pecking order. Kate switched from defense to prosecution because she wanted to protect those who had been wronged. But what about those individuals who had been wrongly accused of a crime? Don’t they deserve a lawyer who believes in them?

The legal aspects of this novel were extremely well explained. The author took care to explain various laws and court procedure but was able to explain things without talking down to the reader. This is difficult to do well! I appreciated that. I have read a few legal thrillers and have watched a LOT of legal thriller television and movies. So the novel didn’t teach me anything new in that area but I also didn’t feel as if I was wasting my time reading legal explanations for the lay person.

The romantic relationship was a bit… sappy. Landon’s character was slightly girly. He is a former Army Ranger and yet his internal thoughts were not very manly. He came across more like a romcom lead than an ex-military private investigator. This made the relationship development seem cheesy and unbelievable. It felt more like how a woman daydreams about a man’s thoughts toward her rather than how a man actually thinks.

Overall, Deadly Proof was a great read! I just put the second book on hold at the library and can’t wait to read other novels by the same author.

Thank you to Bethany House for a free copy of this book in exchange for my honest opinion!

The Nephilim Virus – A Book Review

First of all, I owe a huge apology to both the author and the publisher of this book. Life got crazy, I wrote down the wrong date for the blog tour, and now I’m late in getting my review published. But I wanted to make sure I honor my commitment, though it’s late, so here goes.

The Nephilim Virus, written by John T. Prather, is not my normal choice of reading material. I generally gravitate to historical fiction, Christian contemporary romance, or nonfiction. However, I’ve really been wanting to branch out in my reading, choosing other genres in hopes of finding some new favorites. When I saw this book available as a review copy, I decided that it was a good choice in my attempts to branch out.

Nick Reese wakes from a three-year coma to find the world he once knew is gone. An ancient virus has infected two-thirds of the world’s population, turning humans into either incredibly intelligent super-humans or large and indestructible animalistic creatures. For the survivors, there is no government, no antidote, and no safety. With the help of a beautiful hematologist named Faith and a man they call the Commander, Nick must survive long enough to discover the origin of the virus and learn how his blood could hold the key to a cure. But he has to do it while being hunted by the infected. And failure means the extinction of the human race. (description from Prather’s website)

The Nephilim Virus is an intense book! It is entirely plot driven and the action never stops. I’m a mom to two teens (demanding and time intensive parenting for sure!) and yet I could barely put the book down. It was suspenseful! I had to keep reading to find out what was going to happen next. Was Nick going to find the other virus survivors? Was he going to be able to save the human race or was life hopeless? Events kept happening, never a dull moment in Nick’s life. I felt the novel sacrificed character development for constant plot development, but that may be more common in the thriller genre.

My only real criticism about the novel is that the ending felt entirely too rushed. Until the last 25 or so pages, I thought for sure that this was going to be a series. Then all of a sudden, the novel ended and everything was wrapped up. A sequel might have been a good idea to help the ending feel more realistic. I’m also curious if this book was written with the intent to bring it to film. The chapters were short, quick scenes that advanced the plot. Dialog was short and snappy. Since the author is also an actor, I can easily see how he could write the book intending it to someday be on the big screen.

I am definitely glad that I read this book. While supernatural thriller will never be my favorite genre, The Nephilim Virus was definitely worth the read. It’s an adventure story that kept me at the edge of my seat.

January – Kitchen and recipe overhaul

In January, I’m tackling another 31 day project. This month I am concentrating on everything in the kitchen. Our fridge, freezer, and cupboards have gotten out of control. My menu planning and grocery shopping has been in shambles, which means our grocery budget has spiraled out of control.

This first week of January has been crazy with the girls going back to school, starting up therapy sessions again, and a trip to the ER. So I haven’t been able to blog about my goals for January but I have been working on them!

The very first thing I tackled was our fridge. It was a mess! I forgot to take pictures as I went but imagine wilting vegetables, expired condiments, and stale bread. Spills on shelves. That’s all been cleaned up and it’s now much easier to tell at a glance what we have available to eat or cook with.

Secondly, I tackled our freezer. I’m not sure you can tell the difference in the photos, but I threw out several bags of disgusting frozen bananas. We also ate a couple bags of things that were getting low. Then I organized the rest.


Before


After

After cleaning out the fridge and freezer, we were able to buy some basic supplies I hadn’t even realized we needed. Our meal planning has really been that much of a mess lately that I didn’t even realize what we have or don’t have.

“Mama, what’s for dinner?”
“Ramen.”

Ramen has been a fall back once a week for the past few months. We’ve also been eating a lot of rice and tofu with various sauces. Meal planning has been so stressful that I can’t even remember what we used to like to eat. My girls have gotten more and more picky, causing more and more anxiety on my part, so meals have really been a mess. That’s what I’m trying to fix this month, one small step at a time.

This week I’ll be concentrating on my recipe book. I have a binder stuffed full of recipes and I have no idea which meals we liked or didn’t like. I can’t even tell what recipes we’ve actually tried. I just printed a bunch of recipes, bought ingredients for many of them, and then promptly forgot why I had purchased sun-ripened tomatoes in a jar. They are still sitting in my cupboard, months after buying them. An expensive ingredient, too!

I’m going to empty out the binder and go through each recipe one by one. Does it still sound good? Did we try it? Did we like it? I’ll slowly reassemble my recipe binder with recipes we actually like so that I can start working on a meal plan.

As I type all of this out, it sounds overwhelming. But I’m going to concentrate on just one step at a time and try to regain control of my kitchen.

Minimalism – December wrap up

Like usual, I overestimated how much I could complete with the kids at home for two weeks of winter break. However, due to lots and lots of therapy, I can actually be happy with the tasks that I did accomplish rather than stress about what I was unable to finish.


Before


After

This section of my closet doesn’t actually look much better than it did at the beginning of December. But I know how many fewer items there are now versus how much was piled there. It used to be a huge pile of papers, papers that have mostly been dealt with. Now there are several large items that I’ll be dealing with at some other point.


Before


After

That huge box was all library books. I somehow managed to let my borrowing get way out of control. I hauled all of it back to the library and am concentrating on only borrowing what I can read in a week or two (which happens to also fit on my bookshelf instead of getting stacked on the closet floor). It took four bags to haul everything back to the library.


Before


After

I am most proud of my work on these shelves. I got rid of a lot (including some items that were hard to let go of) and can now easily find anything I’m looking for.


Before


After

Changing light bulbs should be a really simple task. Surprisingly, it took me three weeks to accomplish. I had to visit three stores before I finally found the size I was looking for. I thought for sure Target would have carried them but I ended up having to buy light bulbs from Home Depot. The nice thing about this shopping trip is that it required a math lesson with my daughter.

In a very shocked voice, “Mama, how many boxes are you buying?”
“Well, how many bulbs do we need? How many come in a box? So how many boxes do we need? Great job with your practical math application!”

And it looks so much better in my bathroom now.


Before


After

I’m not sure these photos look much different, but I was able to thin out a lot of my clothes. Some didn’t fit me. Some were ratty. And some I didn’t like and never wore. I felt bad getting rid of a couple items, as they were things my husband bought me as gifts, but we both knew I would never wear them. I posted earlier in the month about how we were able to return a couple of items to the store for refund or store credit.

I did a few other things that can’t be documented in photographs.

  • Tried to contact (unsuccessfully) several people to return items I had borrowed
  • Mailed a very overdue package to my mother
  • Released a ton of emotional clutter by releasing physical clutter
  • Wrapped a bunch of Christmas gifts that piled up in our closet throughout the month
  • My project is not complete but I’m happy with the progress I made. That makes the effort worthwhile.

    Items decluttered throughout the month of December – 59

    Minimalism – Day 20

    My decluttering efforts have slowed way, way down. I’m still moving stuff out of the house but at a much slower rate.

    Instead, this week I’ve been focused on finishing preparations for Christmas. I waited until the very last minute to find Chinese books for my eldest and they may not arrive in time for Christmas. I misunderstood a quality rating on Amazon and the two that already arrived are not good enough quality to give as a Christmas gift. So I ordered two more new books from a Chinese website, only to find that one of them is out of stock and they needed me to choose another. As that replacement order was finalized yesterday, the books may or may not arrive on time.

    My closet, the main focus of this month’s challenge, has been the storage unit for all things Christmas. Our Christmas tree, all of the presents, the wrapping paper… all was stored in my closet. When we take down the Christmas tree, I’ll be putting it outside in the storage closet rather than in my personal closet. And the Christmas presents are almost wrapped so I’m starting to see my closet floor again!

    I did give away one item on my BuyNothing group this week and have tentative pick ups for two more items tomorrow. My clothes are almost narrowed down to those that I actually wear plus a couple of pieces that I love and want to wear once I can get back to my goal weight. It’s been enlightening to let go of some of the items that I never wore, realizing that I actually felt guilt for them sitting in my closet unworn. Now that they are gone, I feel freer.

    And it’s now quite obvious what clothing color scheme I prefer! What’s left in my closet is all dark greens, purples, and pinks. I love dark red and think it’s a great color for me but it’s a color I’ve never been brave enough to buy. Hopefully that will change as I find some money in our budget to buy a couple of new clothing pieces.

    Going forward, my goal is to think twice before buying anything. On the Facebook minimalism group, someone suggested adding an item to your Amazon cart and then waiting 30 days. After the 30 days, go back and evaluate. Do I actually love this item? Will I actually use it? If so, and if I can afford the purchase, say yes. If I’m just caught up in the emotions of shopping, resist temptation. My closet and my wallet will thank me.

    Items decluttered (to-date) – 42

    Minimalism – Day 14

    I told my husband today that I’m slightly… odd. I’ve been spending my alone time lately taking a bath while reading a book or playing Pokemon Shuffle. That’s semi-normal, right? But I got derailed from my Christmas movies, which is what I usually watch once I’m in my pajamas and curled up in bed. Instead, I’ve been watching a YouTube blogger share her progress from hoarder to minimalist. And that’s fun for me! It’s motivating in my own challenge and fun to watch someone else make progress in their attempts to create a more peaceful home.

    Today I tackled a drawer in our bathroom. The drawer was a mess! Expired sunscreen, random hair bands, jewelry I never wear, and loose hair. Yuck! I dumped everything out of the drawer, scrubbed it down, and only put back what I want to keep. I moved a few things like lotions and face wash under the sink and tidied what was left. It’s not going to stay organized, since I don’t have any containers to keep it from sliding around every time I open the drawer. But at least there is less to rummage through while I’m looking for something.


    Before


    After

    And my girls keep running off with my hair dryer so I bought them each one for Christmas! One blue and one pink. I think they’ll be pleased.

    Items decluttered (to-date) – 40