Panic mode

I am starting to hit panic mode about our upcoming trip. We leave in only 11 more days!! It’s not that I’m not prepared, because I am. We’re almost packed, as much as we can be at this point. The paperwork is ready. Reservations have been booked. We have loose plans for each day in Taiwan. I’m about as ready as I can be.

But for some reason, I’m starting to panic. I’m trying to allow myself to feel each emotion and then let it go. If I fight against the panic, it just gets worse. I am most nervous about the travel itself. I have never flown internationally and have irrational fears about going the wrong way at the airport and getting chased by men with guns. Last night I talked to a friend here in Seattle about what it’s like flying internationally in and out of the Seattle airport. So she walked me through security, what the flight will be like, what immigration is like on the way back, and how to pick up our luggage. That conversation helped.

We have a hotel shuttle scheduled for our arrival in Taipei. A driver will be there with a sign with our names on it. The hotel does not have early check in but will see if they have a room available when we arrive. If not, they said they will hold our luggage for us so that we don’t have to haul it around Taipei while we wait for a room. Since we arrive in Taipei at 5:30 in the morning, we’ll have plenty of time to kill and will probably be exhausted. Again, getting these details worked out with the hotel helped.

Our time in Tainan is very loosely scheduled. We meet our daughter on Monday morning and will probably be at the adoption agency for several hours. There is a possibility that we’ll eat lunch with the staff. After that, we’re on our own. Just the three of us.

On Tuesday morning, we’ll be going back to the adoption agency. We’re unsure of the plans for that morning, but they could include an orphanage visit and a going away party for our daughter. It’s a half hour drive to the orphanage and a half hour drive back. Sometime late afternoon we have to catch the bullet train back to Taipei because our visa appointment is Wednesday morning.

Analyzing my feelings, I’m not really freaking out about the actual parenting. I know that meeting my daughter will probably be awkward. I speak a little Chinese and she speaks a little English so we’ll be able to communicate on a basic level. She does want to be adopted, though I’m sure she’ll be nervous and scared and upset about leaving what is familiar. Being mama is not what I’m anxious about. It’s all the travel. Getting around in a foreign country. A lot of it is probably because I will make mistakes with paperwork or where to go and I hate looking like an idiot in front of people.

I keep breathing and telling myself, “it’ll be ok. It will be ok.” I need to pray for peace. I wish I was confident enough that I could just hop on that plane and be excited about meeting my daughter. I am excited! I’m also terrified!