What do you do when you suddenly realize that you are the catalyst when it comes to your children? My husband and I were talking over our daughters’ behavior and belief systems this morning. They treat each other nasty and then both lash out at me when I try to address their behavior. Jeff pointed out that they can speak calmly to each other at night right before bed. I suddenly realized – that’s when I’m not longer in the picture (I go to bed before they do), when I am no longer physically present.
How are they when I’m gone on Sunday mornings? Fine.
How are they when I’m gone on Tuesday evenings? Fine.
How are they when they are getting ready for bed and I’m already asleep? Fine.
So if I’m not around, they will either ignore each other or interact fairly good natured, but still harass each other some. When I am around, they are nasty to each other. Then when I try to interact with one or both, they are disrespectful to me or are so completely engrossed in tearing each other apart that it’s as if I’m not even there.
I followed this thought process. If I am the cause (Jeff thinks I need to reword this to something more positive) of their negative attitudes, behavior, and disrespectful relationships, no wonder my anxiety skyrockets. No wonder my anxiety climbs all afternoon before I pick them up from school. No wonder I can’t relax when they are at home. My body realized this long before my mind did.
Now what do I do with this information? I’m not sure.
Hmm. I’ve often heard or read about how adopted children can be “perfect angels” with unfamiliar adults – such that those unfamiliar adults (Sunday school teachers, club or activity leaders, etc.) disbelieve the parents accounts of difficulties. It’s the people who matter the most to them that they expose their worst selves to. Possibly a defense mechanism? Protecting themselves from your love?
Hang in there, mama. God is faithful – and he has good plans for you and your family. I’m praying for you.